Depression.

Why is depression suddenly a trend? I’m sorry to break it to you, honey, but sadness is NOT depression. Sadness is when you feel down for a couple of hours, sleep it off, cry and recover right the next morning. Sadness is when you cry over something and get over it when people cheer you up. 

Depression is fucking different. Most of the time, depressed people don’t even wanna die, that’s such a stereotype. People tend to believe – Depressed? Oh you must wanna kill yourself. Sometimes, yes. But most of the time? Boo, you have no idea.

Depression is when you pray at night to end up in a hospital just to see who’d show up for you because you’re that fucking lonely. 

Depression is when you carve your skin, careful not to hit the veins because you don’t want to die, you just want to feel the pain of getting close to death.

Depression isn’t a part time thing, where you can turn it on and off. 

Depression is when you tend to apologise a thousand times under 30 minutes, just because you feel sorry for the person who has to deal with you, even if there is nothing to be sorry about.

Depression is a whole lot of thing you won’t even understand if you have never gone through a period of it.

Stop romanticizing depression or any other mental illnesses. Talk to your loved ones, make sure they’re occupied. Make sure you help them step by step in going through it and cross the bridge together. If I’m a year clean already, you can do it too. I promise you that. 

                                To many more rants, Ellie.

Relationships

Some have it private, others publicise them.

No matter how you have it, you do you and nobody else should tell you what to do. It’s still a relationship, regardless. Pros and cons to which is better? I have my own opinion but I’ll keep that to myself. However, I’d like to point out that sometimes, having a silent relationship is lowkey dangerous. No trace of who your partner is, no pictures, no news, no title. It’s good when it comes to not showing off yada yada. But sometimes, you’ve gotta let other girls know that she ain’t takin’ your man. Vice versa. Ye can’t really trust people these days lol. 

Gurl chill, what others say about your relationship won’t affect you that much if you really love the guy. Be proud of your man, keep him. But if he’s continuously lying to your ass, wanting to keep things silent, that ain’t your man. Move. 

Keep it lowkey, not silent. 

                                To many more rants, Ellie.

I’m back, what’s next?

*dusts spider webs away*

Disclaimer: this is going to be a very boring post about my life update. Scroll away if you’re not interested, hiks.

I finished my foundation studies, 3 months ago. I suck at keeping up with and updating my blog, pardon me but I was re-reading last year’s posts and I sort of felt like writing again. Lately, I’ve been on Twitter less and less. Why? Toxic. I privatised my account and held myself back from tweeting my thoughts. Why? Criticism. I’ve only been updating about my life on Snapchat, where my followers are filtered, so if you can view my Snaps, congratulations. I kinda trust you. 

So, what HAVE I been up to?

I’m pretty sure some of you guys can relate me to the godforsaken overplayed song, Despacito. Gained a few thousand followers outta that and I’m kind of working on a new song with a producer. I’ll get to the explanation once we actually finish it. Soon. I rejected a job offer to focus more on music and relax a little, for all these while, I used to work part time whenever I had the chance. Just to gain some big bucks. But I figured, you know what, money can wait. I can’t be juggling music and law school later now, can I? So I guess, now’s the time.

Music aside, time for the real deal. I “graduated” my foundation studies in Law with a 4.0 CGPA. Who would’ve thought? Oh, the girl who failed her Add Maths a bunch of times, struggled with Accountancy, not good enough in high school. The girl who didn’t get straight As for SPM. Kids, it does NOT matter that much. Don’t go too hard on yourself. When one door closes, thousands of others open for you. 

I received an interview offer for two of the top universities for law school, UM and UiTM, Alhamdulillah. I think I did fine. Super hard tho, but all’s well. Got that done and dusted. The results will be out in about 20 days. Fingers crossed for that. 

All in all, everything’s going smoothly, Alhamdulillah. 2017 has really been a good year for me. Looking forward for more. I’ll be here again soon. 

                            To many more rants, Ellie.

Warning: This post may trigger you, so read at your own risk. 

This would be my last post before Eid and I’m just gonna get straight to the point. Self harm isn’t funny. Some of you may not think it’s serious but oh hell it is. You may look at it as something dumb because you have never been in that state. I’m not saying that you should, it’s just that what I have observed about this case is that the only people who understand are the people who go through the same shit. 

Crying yourself to sleep every night, listing down reasons to kill yourself, anxiety attacks, cutting your skin, playing with blades, punching the wall, scraping your hands and the list goes on and on. Stop being so narrow minded and think “oh she’s gonna be fine, she’s just doing it for the attention.” Are you dumb? Are you stupid? Did any of your brain cells cut loose? There’s a million of other people out there killing themselves, how are you so relaxed about this case? I didn’t even bother to get on my laptop to type this out because I’m so mad. 

A case just popped up earlier today about this girl on Twitter who tweeted about how the netizens have won her mental health over and she’s quitting life before deactivating her account. So I decided to look her name up on Twitter and the tweets that came up were goddamn disappointing. Some even encouraged her to proceed. Some questioned how she’s going to do it and continued making fun of her physique. You’re bloody stupid, people, you are so out of your mind. First, you make fun of her physical appearance and put her mental health in jeopardy. You tell her to kill herself. You tell her she’s useless. And the next thing you know, as she announces that she’s going to do so, you people laugh it off and say that she’s seeking for attention. Bloody hell, how can people be so heartless? 

Most of the time, the people who harm themselves, they don’t even want to die. They do it because of the pleasure of the pain. Don’t come to me and ask me over and over again if this is true because I’m just going to answer it here. Yes. If you happen to know someone who harms themselves, please don’t get mad at them. Please talk them out of it slowly, you have no idea how much it helps. Don’t call them dumb for doing it, don’t roll your eyes at their scars, don’t take them for granted. Oh God, please don’t take people for granted. 

Please, help them. They can get better, I promise. Give them a big hug and please please please don’t stop reminding them how much they’re worth. Bullying is not cool, guys. Stop it. Why does it make you feel superior when you put someone’s life on the line? Open your eyes, people, self harm has always been there. Don’t tell me it does not exist. Show them some love. I swear to The Almighty, they will appreciate every single positive word you say to them. I’m so tired of people brushing this off as if lives don’t matter. Help these people survive. They will survive. 

I know I did.

I love you guys, so much. Take care of yourselves and the people around you. Selamat Hari Raya 💖

To many more rants, Ellie. 

We blame society but we are society.

Hey guys, I hope everyone’s having a blissful Ramadhan so far. While you guys are lounging on your couches or just casually scrolling through whatever timeline you’re on, have any of you ever wondered how our world is so fucked up nowadays? The Orlando mass shooting that happened in June killed 49 innocent lives, self harm is still unstoppable for a hell lot of people out there, you have school bullies, cyber bullies and all kinds of other hatreds happening around us as I’m typing and you’re reading this.

Don’t you guys think it’s so crazy how everyone’s hated because of who they are? Why kill the gays? Why pick on the depressed? Why laugh at the dark skinned? Why cringe at the albinos? Why gag at guys who wear makeup? Why? Let me give you a scenario.

He used to be so passionate about art, his eyes light up when he talks about it to other people. But now, I see him apologising for thinking he’s talking too much and that people don’t even care about his art. Who did this to him?

She used to be so confident about her acne scars, her freckles, her thin lips. But now, I see her concealing a thick layer on her face and getting lip injections every now and then. Who did this to her?

He used to be so…

She used to be so…

Wait, did you guys see what I just did? I was looking for someone to put the blame on behind the changes of these people.

Wait, okay now I’m confused. Was I actually judging these people to say that they’ve changed? What if he was just trying to forget about art because he was never into it anyway? Maybe he was forced to do art as a kid and now he knows better things that suit him? And what if she never was confident with her flaws? Maybe now is she only super duper confident with makeup and lip injections on. Who am I to say that they’ve changed and they’re unhappy when it’s been their lives all along and I’ve never been in their shoes?

So readers, before you start talking about how much someone has “changed”…..just don’t. There’s a reason why they’re turning into someone new. Be it good or bad. If that someone is really close to you, you’ll know whether it’s a good change or the other. If it’s a good change, be happy for him/her and let them be. If it’s a bad change, they’ll tell you about it because they trust you. So that’s when you have to help him/her. But if you can’t get yourself to determine whether it’s good or bad, that means you guys are not considered close after all. So don’t try to open your mouth and give out your bloody “opinions” when you’re just going to hurt them with your “nice” words.

Because sometimes, you think you’re doing the right thing and others are not. Sometimes, you get so selfish that you forget to put others’ feelings into account. Sometimes, you think you know everything about a person when all you know is just the surface of it as he/she hasn’t even opened up to you because they don’t trust you. Gosh, the world doesn’t just revolve around you.

Oh God, that escalated so quickly. I intended to go nice on this post. But oh well. It’s just that sometimes, we always find someone to blame for something that’s not going right in our lives. There’s always a goddamn person to put the blame on. What we don’t realise is that someone else is also putting the blame on us somehow. You know why? Because we blame society for bad things that happen, but we don’t freaking realise that we are that goddamn society.

To many more rants, Ellie.

University Life?

Whew, at least I got my high school life done. Well, university. Can’t really say much about it as I’m only two weeks in classes and assignments. But so far, I’m loving the atmosphere. I don’t know, man. I can’t put it into words. My classmates are amazing, I love them. And my housemates, so lively and outgoing. It’s been so long since I’ve felt like I belonged somewhere, you know. Like, all these years of high school, I’ve been trying to fit in and having temporary friends.

And I can finally say that I’m in love with the course I’m taking. In high school, I had to take up the science stream as my school didn’t provide any other. I swear to God, I had the toughest two years of my life trying to brain all the scientific facts. They really weren’t for me. I guess it’s too soon to be saying that I’m all up for Law. It’s just that I have a feeling that I actually am suited for this course.

Growing up, my mom and dad have always wanted their kids to be professionals. Of course. They’ve always been saying things like “We want kakak to be a doctor, Aan to be an engineer and Ili, you become a lawyer, okay?”

But those words were always brushed off, you know. Us, siblings, thinking that those were just cute ways to get us to be determined about our future. Little did we know that fast forward a few years, my sister is in her third year going on fourth in degree studying Medicine, my brother is going to do his degree in Mechanical Engineering in September and here I am, two weeks in doing my foundations for Law. Wow, mom and dad. Real psychics ey, both of you.

You know what’s more interesting? Having your best friend as a roommate. Going back to your room to someone who knows you through and through after a long day of classes everyday, it’s really a great feeling. I don’t know, man. So far, university has been brilliant. I hope I can still say the same thing by the end of the final semester. I really owe my parents a lot this time. No more letting people down.

To many more rants, Ellie.

 

On fleek.

Back when I was in boarding school, makeup is something everyone else dreaded. Not me tho.  Have always been into sharp and defined eyeliner, bold and sculpted lips. It’s weird seeing a group of girls snarling at me for wearing makeup when I go out during the holidays back in high school.

Now that we’re out, it gets weirder when I see the same group of girls trying to get their eyeliner to be on fleek and here they are snarling again, except for a different reason. They are now letting girls who don’t wear makeup down. Screen capturing Instagram posts of bare faced girls and using it as a laughing stock in a Whatsapp group.

Wow, girls. So mature. I really don’t think it’s necessary for a girl to bring other girls down, regardless of the topic you’re discussing about. If you’re a girl and you do that, that means you’re a downright b-word, not a classy lady your mother raised you to be. You complain about not having people who like you for your personality but I don’t see the rationality behind your complaint. Before you try and tell a girl to fix her makeup, or even tell her to start wearing makeup, you should fix your attitude.

I’m not just bluntly saying this to back bullied girls up. It’s just something that I’ve always been wanting to voice out, as a girl.

It’s okay to wear makeup.

It’s okay to be bare faced.

It’s okay for even guys to wear makeup.

It’s okay, as long as you’re happy. Do what you feel like doing because that’s what I learnt in life. When people knock you down once, get back up twice stronger. You don’t have to listen to what other people have to say. If you want to do your eyebrows extra thick today, do it – thick eyebrows are beautiful. If you want to paint freckles on your face, go for it – freckles are cute. If you want to draw a rainbow liner across your lids, line away – rainbows are wonderful.

No matter what they say, you – yes, you – you are beautiful. With or without makeup, you’re stunning. Jaw dropping. Screw the ones trying to bring you down because it just means you’re on top of them. Don’t listen to the ones talking behind your back because it just means that you’re way ahead of them.

You go, girl.

To many more rants, Ellie.

A little piece of Ellie;

Hi there, readers. Geez, this is rather awkward. The last time I blogged was in 2010. So where do I start…

Hello, my name is Ili Rawaida. I’m 17 and a half. Nobody calls me Ellie but it’s just that one name I’ve been wanting to use somehow somewhere someday. And today seems to be the day. It’s weird because I used to despise people who used to mispronounce my name as Ellie but come to think of it, it’s quite a cute name, y’know. Ellie. Perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong, I loooove my real name. Like, love love. Though, I kinda wanna pretend I’m one of the cool bloggers, y’know. Typing away on a Macbook, laying on a bed with white sheets, wearing glasses that make them look adorably smart with their hair all tied up in a messy bun. Only….I’m using an Acer, my sheets are blue, I don’t need glasses and my hair is too short to be tied up in a bun. Welcome to my life.

You can say I’m a ranter, which explains why I decided to name this page as it is. What else, what else. I’m a law student of one week, just started class somewhere in the early of June. Can’t really say that it has always been my dream to be a lawyer tho. I grew up with my ambitions changing every month. My most recent one was to become a child psychologist. Can’t say much about that as I’m not much of a Science person and having to take up Science in university would be dreadful for me. Though, I’m really into kids and talking to people. You can say I’m an extrovert – which explains why I love interacting and just being out there.

Gosh, I’m so rusty at blogging. 300 words in and I’m already out of things to say. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really talkative in person. I think. I’m a bathroom singer, I can play a bit of the piano, been playing the guitar since I was 10 and have just started on the ukulele last year. Was that too self promoting?

Blimey. Guess this is enough for the first post? Just to fill in the spaces of this new page.

To many more rants, Ellie.